Does It Ever Drive You Crazy?
by timelesshearts
Summary: Sure, it was just a stupid red pen but suddenly that meant more to Felicity than she thought. Or the time Ray made her realize that her and Oliver were not over.


Everything appears to move at lightning speed after Sara's death and the whole Cooper fiasco. Time passes Felicity by in a haze of emotions. It's like she goes through a million and one different feelings over the course of a year but ultimately it all comes back to one. Grief.

It takes it's toll on her, leads her through all of her decisions, and makes her question everything about herself. It's the reason that she takes Ray up on his job offer to return to Queen Consolidated and eventually ends up entangled in a relationship with him. The hours she spends with Team Arrow slowly decline to the point that she barely spends more than an hour in the foundry just a couple of nights a week.

She looks down at her feet, pink slippers bright against the dark gray of the welcome mat. She shouldn't be here. She wants to believe that she doesn't want to be here but lately lying to herself hasn't come as easy. The grief she didn't have enough time to feel for her friend rears its head to tell her Sara wasn't the only wound left unattended on her heart. Felicity had tried desperately to ignore it but you can't outrun your emotions forever. It seems to be the only sane explanation for her standing on this damned doorstep in the middle of the night in rumpled pajamas with tears staining her cheeks. She wants to move forward but a tiny voice in her head laughs at the likeliness of that ever happening. After months of attempting to move on hadn't her apparently flawless relationship just confirmed that it was never going to happen? That there would never be another man who could capture her heart like

The door swings open and she nearly falls apart at the sight of him.

Oliver has always been the most attractive guy she has ever seen but she's almost blinded by the hurt that spreads through her at the thought that she had willingly taken an opportunity to never see him again. The tears come harder. She hadn't really expected him to be home yet, hoping that maybe he was still doing arrow business. It seems like he got off early since he was dressed in dark jeans and a t-shirt.

He doesn't even bat an eye at her hysterical state and late night surprise appearance. It makes her furious. How can he just stand there and compartmentalize his emotions when hers are twisted to shit? Just like when they realized that, for Sara, there was no coming back from the dead a second time around. Just like when she told him she was walking out of his life for good. He is nothing more than a man with a blank stare.

The silence stretches between them, neither moving their eyes from the other's face.

Eventually he speaks, the single word sending a chill down her spine. "Felicity?"

Her heart tightens with all the distance and pain and heartache that have been built up between them since their disastrous date a year ago. She hates that when he says her name she might as well be a stranger to him and even though his eyes are trained on hers its like he's looking right through her. She hates how it makes her feel like she's being given a punishment for giving up on reconciling their friendship. She hates how after everything they've been through he was so willing to let her walk away from him over and over again. More than anything she _fucking_ hates how just standing here with him she's managed to feel more in the past two minutes than she has in two months.

She explodes, pushing past Oliver's muscular form and into the apartment he shares with his sister. She hopes that Thea is still closing up at Verdant as her purse thuds against the floor and she roughly pushes her hair out of her face. "You're an asshole!"

The door closes and he faces her but chooses to stay silent. Instead he reaches a hand into his jeans and pulls out something small, handing it over to her. Felicity nearly screams out in frustration at the simple fact that he still keeps a spare rubber band in his pocket just in case she needs it. How could he be so in love with her but will to let it just drift away? She rips it out of his hand, piling her hair into a loose ponytail trying not to think of how Ray prefers it down around her shoulders. How can he just stand there and act like she was some girl when they both know it was farthest thing from the truth?

She is getting angrier by the second at his stoic nature. She didn't come all this way to see the Arrow. "I'm not going to have this conversation if you're wearing your mask," she practically hisses when she's done messing with her hair.

Oliver doesn't move, doesn't even flinch at the venom in her voice. He just keeps staring blankly through her.

She's ready to admit her mistake by coming here and leave. Go home to her nice comfortable bed and boyfriend, correction _fiancé_, who loves her. Her eyes burn at her own stupidity of thinking that things between them could still change, for still having an incredible amount of hope. She is about to storm out the same way she came in when she notices it. Two fingers rubbing against each other, half hidden by his pant leg. The unconscious nervous tick is something she picked up on instantly during their first meeting and she has never been more grateful that he has always had such a hard time keeping his composure around her. It's exactly the crack in his armor she needs to stay, to see that hidden under the Arrow is Oliver Queen. Not the spoilt heir to an empire Oliver, not Laurel's playboy Ollie, _**her**_ Oliver. The Oliver that had her so seamlessly falling into love before she even had a chance to stop herself.

"Why are you here? I thought "

"When I walked out of the foundry seven weeks ago and put in my resignation as your partner in crime, I meant it. I told you I wasn't going to sit down there to watch you die and dammit, I meant it!" She is yelling and crying and exhausted but she doesn't stop. "We were all over the place before I left and don't try to tell me otherwise because the missions were taking longer and longer. That was because of us. So me leaving was not only to help the team but the final step in me moving on with my life, like I'd been trying so hard to. I was ready to finally stop keeping that sliver of distance between Ray and me, yet here I am! No matter what I do, no matter what I tell myself, no matter how much distance I put between us it doesn't stop the fact that I still end up right here. With you!"

"Felicity "

"No!" she shouts, raising her hand defensively as he steps closer. She turns around to take a deep breath and has to wrap her arms around herself because she can't face him when the next words slip quietly out of her mouth. "I love you. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop loving you." It's the first time she's said the words aloud and they feel like acid on her tongue. Her heart thunders in her ears and she feels Oliver invade the space behind her without actually making contact. "I don't deserve this."

"I know," he whispers against her ear and it's all she can do to keep herself upright rather than melting against his lean frame.

Felicity squeezes her eyes shut in an effort to control her erratic emotions. "You pushed me away, you broke my heart, and you let me go."

He doesn't deny what she is sure he already knows and eventually she has it in her to face him again. Still, she's not ready to look at his face just yet but he's so close and the only thing she can do is keep her blurry eyes trained on the expanse of his tight chest. Without her permission her palm presses flat against him and she wonders whether the sharp intake of breath comes from her or him.

"It's not fair," she chokes out. "I'm doing everything right. Following all the steps and motions to keep moving forward but nothing is working." Her forehead hits his chest and the skin on the back of her neck blazes from where his fingers drift over it. How long has it been since they were this close? "I don't want to stay away from you, Oliver. I miss you. Even after all the crap between us you're still my best friend. You know me better than anyone and I need you but this is too much for me to handle on my own."

He pulls away from her, devastation shining through his gaze. "I will always be here whenever you need me, but when it comes to you and me together I haven't changed my mind."

The words hit her but nothing sticks because of the looks he's tossing her way. Love burns the back of her throat and through a new haze of tears she can see everything in his stormy eyes. A hero, a husband, a father, a _future_. Like a strip of film in her head she sees everything that has ever been said and done between them.

_Don't ask me to say that I don't love you._

_You can trust me._

_You are not done fighting._

_Not going to lose me._

_You know how I feel about her._

_If you ever need to tell someone about your day._

_My partner._

_My girl._

_It was red._

_I love you._

Passion. Ambition. Trust. Honesty. It's everything she's ever hoped to find in the love of her life. It hits her a second too late that she's never once looked at Ray the way she's looking at Oliver and she never will. Not as long as Oliver still has her heart clenched tightly in his strong hands. But how much did that really change if Oliver's choice hadn't?

"Ray asked me to marry him."

The words slip out of her mouth and for a second time stops as his eyes flash dangerously over her face. "What?"

It's more of a growl than anything else and it causes a shiver to go through her. There is a murderous edge to his voice and she knows that he's not really asking her for a repeat. "I said yes."

Her throat feels like sandpaper. She watches the remnants of the Arrow fall away completely and he staggers back as if she had shot an arrow into his heart. Oliver opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He looks so utterly wrecked and she instantly wishes she could take the words back. He had put her through hell this past year but that didn't mean she was unaffected to him being in pain. It hurt that he was hurting, that she was the one currently causing it.

The dead air is deafening, but she isn't really sure what to say that will comfort him so instead she tries to explain because that's who Felicity is. A woman who tries to backtrack when her mouth moves faster than her mind. "It was the next logical step in our relationship," she tells him. "We've been dating for nine months and he's a good guy. He gave back your company, he always listens to me, and hell he even volunteers at Glades Memorial on the weekends. He's…perfect, in fact he's everything a girl could ask for "

"Except you don't love him," he heatedly interrupts her rambling.

"I do." But even as she says the words it sounds like a desperate final attempt to convince herself.

"Like you love me?"

She sucks in a sharp breath. "No, not like I love you."

"But you still said yes." He's angry and she wants to lash out because he really doesn't have any right to be, but this is the most emotion she's gotten out of him since the whole ordeal with Cooper. If there was one thing she could understand it was how love had the ability to twist your emotions out of control.

"I could do worse than Ray Palmer. He's ready to settle down and he makes me happy."

In an instant his demeanor changes, his face impassive and his body imperturbable. "So that's it then? You came to my house at 3 in the morning to tell me your getting married?"

"Don't," she warns him, trying to reign in her scattered feelings from his sudden back and forth. He didn't get to do this. He didn't get to be angry for choosing to push her away.

He moves toward the door with a scoff so unlike the Oliver she knows. "Thanks for coming by but really an announcement in the mail would have sufficed. I'll make sure to send you a shiny new blender that will fit in with your perfect new life."

"What do you want from me, Oliver?" she yells, moving in front of him before he can open the door.

"Nothing," he answers stubbornly.

"Then stop acting like you do! Stop acting like you want me to sit around and pine for you when you're not going to change your mind. Stop pushing me away and expecting that I'll come running back every time. It may have been two months this time but eventually I'm going to stop. You want to know why I'm here Oliver? Because I still have this insane idea that there is hope but please if there is then you need to stop playing the martyr. Stop sacrificing your feelings for me and prove that you have them."

"This," he shouts in disbelief, motioning between them, "everything that has happened between us; every kiss, every fight, every bit of distance that has been put between you and me has been because I love you. Because I'm so completely and blindingly in love with you that if anything were to happen to you I, Oliver Queen not the Arrow, wouldn't be able to survive it. I'm not invincible so yes, it hurts me to hear how much being with Ray makes you happy but I need you to be safe. If that means letting you move on to a life that doesn't include me than that is just something that I have to deal with."

"That's the thing, Oliver," she fires back, stabbing a slim finger into his chest. "You wouldn't have to deal with it if you hadn't shut me out. If you had let me make my own choice instead of taking yourself out of the equation. I was aware of the risks when I joined the team and I knew the risks of us being together but it didn't matter if I was willing to take those because you walked away. We were partners and we should have weighed out the options and made a decision, _together_. I would go to the ends of the earth for you, hell I nearly did once. I have been by your side every step of the way. I would've died for you."

"I didn't want you to," he snaps, pushing forward until she trapped between him and the door. "I don't. Dammit, Felicity, you are the most important thing in my life. I just want to make sure you stay protected and I can't do that if I lose my focus. Why are you making this so difficult?"

"Because of a red pen!"

He reels back but she doesn't back down. "Because tonight after I told Ray yes, all I could think about was that stupid red pen. It kept bugging me to the point that I had to ask him what color pen I was using when we met. Because when he answered he shrugged and said black."

"He remembered?"

"No, it was blue."

Felicity moves closer until her chest brushes against his and she's framing his jaw with her hands. There's more facial hair than she's used to but he's just as solid as ever. It gives her the strength to finally admit what she has been holding back for such a long time. "You may not have changed your mind but I have. I'm done putting distance between us to try and cover up our feelings. I'm not going to settle for Ray just because we are a mess. He's great but he's not you. I'm not perfect and I don't need a perfect life to be happy. I want a future, one full of troublemaking kids and a barking dog but I only want it with you."

"I don't know if I can give that to you." His eyes give away the bitterness and misery that he feels.

"Neither do I, but I'm willing to at least take a chance. I don't want to give up on us but I can't keep fighting alone. We have to do this together."

She wraps her arms around his bulky frame and waits patiently for him to wrap himself around her before she lets out a relieved breath. For what feels like the first time in a long time she just breaths.

"Together," he promises.


End file.
